How I've been forever changed...

Sometimes there are moments in your life where you suddenly realize you are different than you used to be. That something has happened and it isn't possible to be the way you were before - the same way it's impossible to "un-know" something you've learned. It reminds me of that song from Wicked: Changed for Good... but anyway, the purpose of this post is to explain how being a missionary with FOCUS for the last 3 years was just that -- one of those things that changed me "for good".

I started to realize this when I decided to leave FOCUS and the questions started coming. 

"What are you going to do now?" 

"What are you going to miss the most?"

"What are you most excited for about leaving?"

To begin with the first question, there is a little background information you need to know. Three and a half years ago, I was a senior in college. I was in the middle of my senior design for chemical engineering. I had met a FOCUS missionary and was growing in my newly rekindled faith - now actually leading a Bible study of my own! I finally understood what it meant to make my relationship with Jesus a priority and to live an ordered life. Sometimes while my classmates were pulling an all-nighter to study for a test the next day, I would take a break and go to daily Mass or pray a holy hour and have dinner with my roommates - AND, gasp, even sometimes go to bed before midnight. It may not seem crazy now, but in the midst of the senior design and amid the remarks of my classmates, it took a lot to stand my ground. 

This is when I began "job hunting". This is also when I learned the difference between the world's version of success and God's - what it means to be called to something that doesn't look like it makes any sense from the outside. I was met with a lot of skepticism when I applied for FOCUS - and most of it was very logical. Wouldn't it be hard to take 3 years "off" after school before entering a career in my field? How would I find a job afterward without any experience?  Was I really going to give up a starting salary of about $65,000 to fundraise? God wants holy people in the real world, too. et cetera. 

But ultimately the road to Heaven is one of self-forgetfulness and humility. It didn't matter what I wanted, what I felt was safe, or even what I felt was radical or would get me to Heaven. It mattered that, for whatever reason, God was specifically asking ME to be a MISSIONARY. I had to learn to have faith in His plan for making me a saint - even if I had no way to explain it to people. (or to myself)

So, what am I going to do now? Most people expect that I'll look for a job in the ChE field. Surprisingly, I feel more prepared now for a secular career after being in FOCUS. I've had experience working on a team, coordinating projects, making decisions and living with the consequences, doing paperwork and documentation, and creatively making the most of the resources you have. I've had experience leading a team, running meetings, making goals, making a budget, delegating, resolving conflict, putting on workshops, interviewing and hiring people, evaluating people, working with people! I received more professional development than I ever had in school (and from people like Joe Hensler, who worked at Procter and Gamble for 19 years - he actually led their Global Learning and Development Group and led the development of P&G’s training program to support the company's $54 billion merger with the Gillette Company.) I have failed, I have been rejected, and I've experienced the reward of achieving your goals when it was a huge risk to try - all within an organization that gave me the support I needed to learn how to have confidence and humility in it all.

I have no doubt I could market these skills in the engineering world, (It's also very impressive to employers when they see you did missionary work.) BUT I've decided to be a wife and (eventually/hopefully) mother. As it turns out, this is just as foreign and difficult to explain to people as becoming a missionary was - that is a thought for another post, though.

What am I going to miss most? ALL the things. I'm going to miss my teammates. We worked, lived, and played together. We struggled together and called each other to virtue. We shared our prayer lives and prayed with and for each other. I'm going to miss the students. I was blessed to work with a lot of the same girls for three years. We know a lot about each other and have gone through a lot together. We are friends. I am going to miss having prayer and Mass scheduled into my day. I am going to miss the learning and the accountability that are built into my job and friendships. I'm going to miss writing newsletters to my mission partners.

What am I most excited for? This is how I know I've been forever changed. The thing I'm most excited for is to keep living lifelong Catholic mission even when it's no longer my job. I'm excited to put into practice what I've been teaching others to go out into the world and do - without the comfort of my FOCUS bubble. 

After 3 years of being "on mission", I realize the mission is actually still just beginning. It was a time of learning, a time of practice, a time of being supported and forming habits. You see - I think before FOCUS I would have been a good Catholic, but I wouldn't have been a "dynamic Catholic", to steal the term from Matthew Kelly. I would have been a disciple, but not necessarily made disciples of all nations. 

Now, I see everything through the perspective of becoming a saint. I can no longer imagine going a day without prayer. I am no longer afraid of being asked questions about my faith, but excited to share. I am no longer afraid of being rejected or misunderstood because of what I believe, but have courage to face it or explain it. I know the generosity of love costs something and I have been given the grace to pay that price. I have witnessed miracles and had a front row seat to God working in people's hearts. I am no longer satisfied with mediocrity. I know it's my responsibility to seek truth. I know the difference I can and am called to make in the lives of those God places in my sphere of influence. I know the gratitude of those affected when I actually listen for and act upon the voice of the Spirit. I know the love and mercy within the church - that which isn't always as obvious as it should be because of our fallen humanity. I know how to accept their pain and apologize to those who have been hurt or are still hurting because we, Christ's body, don't always act as He would have. 

I am forever changed because I am now aware of the thirsting of this world for love, for God - and I am now aware that I can give love, give Jesus, to the world. 

Dandelion Theology

It's that time of year - the time of year that soon-to-be graduating students start applying to be FOCUS missionaries. The first interview weekend for our region is in two weeks and we have 5 or 6 people from Greeley going!

This means that we missionaries are getting asked a lot of questions: What does it take to be a missionary? What is a dating fast? Is fundraising hard? What do you do all day? What is your favorite part of your job? Why did you become a missionary?

And I LOVE it! I love answering these questions and talking about what I do and the things I get to witness God doing in the lives around me. This is the most fun, rewarding, formative and scariest thing I've ever done!

Becoming Team Director this year has been a whole new adventure on top of that. This summer God tried to prepare me by telling me, "You've got what it takes, but it's going to take everything you've got." And He didn't lie. It's definitely been the hardest, most humbling and grace-filled time of my life. I have a sticky note on the mirror in my bedroom that gives me a peptalk every morning before I start my day. It says: "You do enough. You have enough. You are enough." There have been many mornings I've needed that reassurance from Jesus. There have been days where I've felt like giving up and walking away, but Jesus has turned to me and asked, "Quo Vadis?" There have also been days where I've experienced so much and been so amazed at the goodness of God that I can't imagine doing anything else with my life.

And this is why the last question our students have is the hardest to answer: Are you going to do it again next year?

I don't know.

Everyday I feel differently. Some days I want to, some days I don't. But I realize it's not really about what I want. It's about what God is calling me to. There are so many different options... I could be a missionary. I could stay here or I could go somewhere else. I could become a NaPro Practicioner. I could get my Masters in Theology at the Augustine Institute. I could move home. I could do foreign mission work - use my ChE degree and do water purification in third world countries. I could make beer. I could work in a bakery and teach aerobics classes after work. The list goes on...

I took this all to prayer today and the image that came to me was that I was a little girl in a dress that had somehow gotten lost in the woods. I was standing in the middle of a large clearing suddenly realizing that I had no idea how to get home. I was so overwhelmed and a little scared and told God I needed Him to send me a butterfly. I needed something to look at, to chase, to distract me from looking at all of the directions I could go, and instead lead me by staying close to and chasing Him.

He did not appear. No butterflies. He did, however, tell me (once again) to close my eyes. That seems to be our theme this year. He wants me to stop looking around at everything I think I want and everything I think He might be doing and showing me - and instead just close my eyes and trust Him. He then told me to rest. This has been a new, yet frequent, command to me. Rest. So I did. I closed my eyes and lay down in the clearing right where I was. I felt the grass holding me, the wind playing with my hair, the sun touching my cheek and smiling down at me... and I opened my eyes, and there it was: a dandelion.

A number of years ago I came to a retreat here in the Rockies. On this retreat Dr. Tim Gray taught me something that would come to redefine my spirituality: dandelion theology.

As children grow up, they like to give their parents gifts: pictures they color, crafts they make, bouquets of flowers from the garden. And parents RECEIVE them. Mothers are especially good at this - not only receiving them, but receiving them with delight, seeing the beauty in the gift even if she can't tell what the colored drawing is a picture of. Think of a child picking dandelions out of the lawn and bringing a handful of them to mom... She sees them and is delighted and grateful. She says things like, "Thank you! They're beautiful!" and puts them in a glass of water in the middle of the table to show them off.

Dr. Gray said that often times we feel like a child offering our best to God and Him receiving it well and loving us anyway. But he invited us to put ourselves in the role of mom. How do we respond to the bouquets of half decapitated weeds covered in gnats that Jesus brings us? How do we receive the things in our life that are God's will for us? Do we receive them with delight and gratitude even when it's hard to find the beauty in the gift? even when it's hard to understand what the picture of scribbles could possibly be (and how Jesus can tell me it's a picture of me and I'm happy when I can't see it at all)?

So here He was... offering me one more dandelion for my bouquet. One more time I can surrender and accept what it is He is giving me today (the desire to know what I'm going to do next year and the confusion that comes with it -- especially when His answer is, "Close your eyes, Rest, Trust Me."), even if I don't fully understand or see the beauty in it.

Life is Ordinary

As I opened up my blog to write to you tonight, I noticed the four discarded beginnings of posts I had tried to write since my last update. I smiled a little to myself... and then deleted them all, admitting that I still didn't want to finish any of them. They each felt superficial in their own way - all facts and no heart, dry prayer, routine days, nothing out of the ordinary.

But now, having returned to Colorado, I'm looking back on my summer and I realize that the one thing I will most take from it into this coming year as a missionary and team director is just that: the profound simplicity of it all - the life within the ordinary, the richness of friendship, the beauty of silence, and the fullness of grace that can be found within each seemingly insignificant moment.

During one of these ordinary days I did some reading, as was usual for this time of the afternoon, and stumbled upon this little gem from my current favorite book: "The temptation is to look beyond these things, precisely because they are so constant, so petty, so humdrum and routine, and to seek to discover instead some other and nobler 'will of God' in the abstract that better fits our notion of what his will should be." "The plain and simple truth is that his will is what he actually wills to send us each day, in the way of circumstances, places, people, and problems." "For it is not man or what he does that counts most in the plans of divine providence, but rather that a man accepts in confidence and fulfills to the best of his ability each day what God has chosen for him." [He Leadeth Me by Fr. Walter J. Ciszek, S.J.]

As I was preparing to come onto campus I was beginning to get a bit overwhelmed with the new responsibility of being a TD. This was totally not of God; it was pressure I was putting on myself - trying to find that other and nobler idea of what it means to be a Team Director. In reality, being a good TD is going to be best lived out in the ordinary. In daily teaching and modeling for my team and students. In doing expense reports. In serving them by finding the answers to the questions they have. In giving them the encouragement and direction they need to be the missionaries they were created to be. In praying for and with them. In getting up every morning and going to bed exhausted every night. Being with them in the works, joys, sufferings (the ordinary things of life) provided for us today - in accepting them as from God, trusting Him, and being "another Christ" in each moment as it comes.

This gives me a new perspective to the work we do on campus in assisting students as they answer the universal call to holiness. Edith Stein put into words well what I mean when she said, "I ... thought that leading a religious life meant giving up all earthly things and having one's mind fixed on divine things only. Gradually, however, I learnt that other things are expected of us in this world... I even believe that the deeper someone is drawn to God, the more he has to 'get beyond himself' in this sense, that is, go into the world and carry divine life into it."

Most of us missionaries and the students we work with will live out our vocations in ordinary things - in making breakfast and doing laundry and helping with fundraisers and going to work and playing cribbage and swing dancing. This is our "world", full of ordinary things, and we are expected to bring divine life there by doing them with the Love and Joy and Hope of Jesus Christ. Just as he did for the first 30 years of his life on Earth.

Now I'm off to make the agenda for the next two days of team planning before the craziness of fall outreach really hits... and it seems much less overwhelming now that I realize how ordinary it is and much more exciting since I'm aware that it is God's will for me right now to do it :)

Home

I am home in Devils Lake, on North Dakota soil! So much has happened since I last posted and I've failed miserably in keeping you updated - I will try to redeem myself presently :)

1. The year ended well! We had our final "FOCUS Formal" for all of our student missionaries on the last Friday of class. It is one of my favorite events of the year because we get to honor our students. They are the reason we join focus, they are the people we get up for every day, they are the ones who do the mission with us - without them, I have no success as a missionary. But luckily for me I have them to do it with me and the faith and zeal they have for reaching their classmates inspires me and gives me hope!!

Here is a picture of the students I am blessed to work alongside all year!

And a last picture of our team all together!

 

And a picture of one of the Bible studies dressed up for the talent show - they did a synchronized swimming routine! It was soo fun to watch!

 

 

2. LDI: Leadership Development Initiative. This was a week long leadership training I was able to attend to prepare me to be a Team Director next year. It was awesome! We learned what it means to be a servant leader, to see the opportunity in every situation, and were taught some good people skills as well -- goals, praises, and redirects. It was fun to be with fellow missionaries in the Colorado mountains, too!

 

3. Driving... As you know, my right knee is out of commission -- so my sister flew down to Denver and drove me home :) She is so great! We made some jamming music, grabbed some snacks, and hit the road. Drove through rain and wind for two days straight all the way through Colorado, Wyoming, South and North Dakota!

 

4. PT - I've started my physical therapy! I think I can safely say this is some of the worst pain I've ever had in my entire life. But No Pain, No Gain! My knee has been straight for so long, the first thing we have to do is tear the scar tissue so we can stretch and strengthen my leg again. This morning we were able to get it to 89 degrees! It's still pretty weak, so I can't bend it well on my own... getting closer everyday, though!!

 

5. If you could all throw up a quick prayer that we get some sunshine, I know my farmer dad would really appreciate it! :)

Hope

I have gotten a lot of calls and messages from so many of my friends and family. It's been so wonderful to hear from all of you! I'm grateful for the thoughts and prayers and am sorry I'm not able to keep all of you better informed about my knee and how I'm holding up. I'd like to ask you not only for prayers for my surgery and recovery, but also for HOPE. I feel so loved by you, but it is still something I'm finding in short supply. And now I'll try to honestly share with you what's going on with my knee, but mostly how my heart is.

 

It's been three weeks since I broke my knee... I have an avulsion fracture where my ACL attaches to my tibia and damage to my meniscus. I may also have completely torn my ACL. My surgery is scheduled for Monday and they are going to do it by scope! I have had such joy and peace in the injury - I don't even understand it. It's been such a grace from God! I'm not sorrowful or resentful of the pain or the things I am unable to do. Jesus has been calling me to, and giving me the opportunity to, spend so much more time in prayer with Him lately. To embrace my weakness. To get in the wheelbarrow.

 

One of the graces He's given me is this little meditation during Holy Week: Jesus held the soldiers driving the nails through His hands in existence as they were crucifying Him. He held His own breaking body in existence as it was being broken. He is holding me and my knee in existence right now - and that existence is in its brokenness. If this is the reality Jesus is holding in existence to make me a saint, who am I to feel any way other than loving it and being grateful for it?! [ and for my UND friends, let's be honest... as an exhorter I'm not so secretly thriving on suffering. (: ]

 

Yet, as time continues to pass, Jesus is allowing me to see that my cross in this isn't the injury itself. My cross to bear is the frustration of waiting for so long to know anything (when my MRI would happen, if I needed surgery, what surgery they will have to do, when surgery would be, if I can still be in my friend's wedding in June, how I'm going to get to summer training, where I am going to be placed as a team director next year, etc...). My cross to bear is the lie that I am not enough - that I can't do my job well, that I am a burden on those in my life, that I can't do anything right, that I'm not important. My cross to bear is the loneliness I feel not getting to see more of the students, not being able to do the fun things everyone else is, not feeling wanted. My cross to bear is not knowing how to answer the questions and frustrations of those I love who want to know how I am doing and want things to go well. Combatting the despair I feel in these conversations by consoling rather than being consoled.

 

My cross to bear is this emptiness I feel. Even when I know in my heart it is a lie from the pit of hell. This is the dandelion bouquet the child Jesus is offering me.

 

Empty.

Such a simple word. Yet it so easily contains all of the powerfully dark emotions I'm experiencing. And the devil so easily succeeds in making it hard to see the purpose behind the emptiness, to have hope.

 

One of my new favorite songs has helped me unite myself to Mary in this.

 

It's helped me realize the beauty of woman flows from the empty womb... the potential it has to bring forth life. Purity of heart is only realized in emptying the heart of everything except God in order for it to be completely filled with Him. Trust in the will of the Lord only happens when we can empty our hands of our own will... to "let go" and wait with empty hands to receive the amazing life God wants to give us. The Lord is risen and the tomb is empty.

 

In her emptiness, Mary was able to bring forth the Son of God. In mine, I can hopefully receive the Spirit into the world.

 

Born in Me by Francesca Battistelli

 

I am not brave
I'll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy
I'm just a girl
Nothing more
But I am willing, I am Yours

Be born in me.

 

 

 

 I was also very inspired by these two beautiful women: Barbara Castro Garcia & Chiara Corbella. Last year, they both joyfully suffered and gave their lives for their children to be born.

Thought I'd share if you were at all interested.

 

pax

 

 

Humility

If any of you have ever prayed the Litany of Humility, you'll know what I mean when I say that praying for humility can be dangerous.

Last week was the feast of St. Joseph, husband of Mary. I was meditating on the humility it would take to be the head of the Holy Family... The imperfect father and imperfect husband to a sinless wife and a son who is God.

In his homily Pope Francis said,

"How does Joseph exercise his role as protector? Discreetly, humbly and silently, but with an unfailing presence and utter fidelity, even when he finds it hard to understand. ... In the Gospels, Saint Joseph appears as a strong and courageous man, a working man, yet in his heart we see great tenderness, which is not the virtue of the weak but rather a sign of strength of spirit and a capacity for concern, for compassion, for genuine openness to others, for love. We must not be afraid of goodness, of tenderness!"

So, guess who made the "mistake" of asking for St. Joseph's intercession while praying for humility?

This girl.

Guess who went skiing the next day and got an avulsion fracture in her right knee?

This girl.

ie I'm in a full leg brace/immobilizer and on crutches :)

ie I can't kneel. I can't do zumba or kickboxing or run. I can't do laundry on my own. I can't swing dance. I can't do my rugged maniac 5k. I can't carry anything that doesn't fit in my little backpack. I have trouble doing normal things like showering or getting into bed. I can't put my right shoe on by myself. etc...

I've already learned a lot, though. I've learned how to go up and down stairs on crutches. I've learned that laminate flooring gets slippery for crutches when it's wet. I've learned that I don't mind not doing any of those things previously mentioned as long as I have Jesus. I've learned that this is a good opportunity to suffer joyfully and be a witness to the joy that comes from Christ. I've learned that sometimes we don't get to choose when we will be weak and when we won't... and that we need to accept the generosity of others as much as we need to be generous. I've learned the true meaning of surrendering my will to that of the Father. I've learned that we don't always get to pick our way of holiness... God will decide what it will take to make us a saint. I've learned that I have some great friends and family who are much more selfless than I am and that Jesus will be enough for me if I let Him.

My Wheelbarrow

It's only in admitting how weak we are and embracing it that we can witness the true power of God. Without admitting our own shortcomings we cannot begin to understand the strength of God working in and through us. or even allow the strength of God to work in us.

Over Thanksgiving break I went to visit my relatives in California, and during Mass heard a homily that rocked me to the core. I don't remember it well enough to quote it, but I'll try to summarize.

There was once an acrobat named Blondin. He was born in France in 1824. He was very talented and at the age of 5 became known as the Boy Wonder. He grew and learned and eventually moved to the United States to work with a circus.

In 1859 he decided to walk across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. He became very famous for this and people began to flock to the site to watch him. He began by walking across, but soon increased the difficulty by running across. Next, he went blindfolded across. He crossed on 6 foot tall stilts and then on a bicycle. All of these he did for a constantly growing crowd of fans who loved him. 

Then, he brought out a wheelbarrow. He asked his adoring crowd, "Do you think I can do it?" And they all cheered and applauded - encouraging him on. He asked again, and their response grew louder. He asked once more, "Do you think I can do it?" The crowd was going wild in their affirmation that they indeed believed in him.

Then, his question became, "Do you want to join me?" The cheers started to die down in confusion. He rephrased his question and wondered who would like to get in the wheelbarrow and come with him across, since they all had no doubt he could do it. When noone spoke up, he continued saying that he wasn't going to cross with the wheelbarrow unless someone got in it. As they became aware that he was indeed going to wait, they all waited. Then, one by one they started to tire of waiting and left, until he was standing alone with his wheelbarrow.

They all believed he could do it, but wouldn't act on that belief. He wouldn't do it without them, and since not one would act on their belief in him, he was kept from doing the crazy act of wheeling someone across the rope. Yet they claimed they thought he could do it. But did they?

Do I?

I see this as a metaphor to getting to Heaven. I can't get there on my own - I can't actually walk on a rope across the Niagara Falls, but Jesus can. And He is offering me a way over. It's scary. It's risking something to get in the wheelbarrow; someone else has my life in their hands. Do I actually believe He can do it? And if I do, do I act on that belief and get in? Do I trust the cross of Christ? Do I trust Christ pushing my wheelbarrow? If not, he won't act without me...

But if I do, think of the experience He wants to give me! On my own, I would never see the falls from that perspective, feel the excitement as the water rushes past me, feel the spray upon my face, get to the other side! But with Him, I can. I can allow Him to bring me to Heaven, to experience the joy of that journey here on earth, to get to the other side of death with Him! I can allow the crowd around me the joy and excitement of watching Him push someone across the falls in His wheelbarrow.

Do I get in the wheelbarrow?