Hope

I have gotten a lot of calls and messages from so many of my friends and family. It's been so wonderful to hear from all of you! I'm grateful for the thoughts and prayers and am sorry I'm not able to keep all of you better informed about my knee and how I'm holding up. I'd like to ask you not only for prayers for my surgery and recovery, but also for HOPE. I feel so loved by you, but it is still something I'm finding in short supply. And now I'll try to honestly share with you what's going on with my knee, but mostly how my heart is.

 

It's been three weeks since I broke my knee... I have an avulsion fracture where my ACL attaches to my tibia and damage to my meniscus. I may also have completely torn my ACL. My surgery is scheduled for Monday and they are going to do it by scope! I have had such joy and peace in the injury - I don't even understand it. It's been such a grace from God! I'm not sorrowful or resentful of the pain or the things I am unable to do. Jesus has been calling me to, and giving me the opportunity to, spend so much more time in prayer with Him lately. To embrace my weakness. To get in the wheelbarrow.

 

One of the graces He's given me is this little meditation during Holy Week: Jesus held the soldiers driving the nails through His hands in existence as they were crucifying Him. He held His own breaking body in existence as it was being broken. He is holding me and my knee in existence right now - and that existence is in its brokenness. If this is the reality Jesus is holding in existence to make me a saint, who am I to feel any way other than loving it and being grateful for it?! [ and for my UND friends, let's be honest... as an exhorter I'm not so secretly thriving on suffering. (: ]

 

Yet, as time continues to pass, Jesus is allowing me to see that my cross in this isn't the injury itself. My cross to bear is the frustration of waiting for so long to know anything (when my MRI would happen, if I needed surgery, what surgery they will have to do, when surgery would be, if I can still be in my friend's wedding in June, how I'm going to get to summer training, where I am going to be placed as a team director next year, etc...). My cross to bear is the lie that I am not enough - that I can't do my job well, that I am a burden on those in my life, that I can't do anything right, that I'm not important. My cross to bear is the loneliness I feel not getting to see more of the students, not being able to do the fun things everyone else is, not feeling wanted. My cross to bear is not knowing how to answer the questions and frustrations of those I love who want to know how I am doing and want things to go well. Combatting the despair I feel in these conversations by consoling rather than being consoled.

 

My cross to bear is this emptiness I feel. Even when I know in my heart it is a lie from the pit of hell. This is the dandelion bouquet the child Jesus is offering me.

 

Empty.

Such a simple word. Yet it so easily contains all of the powerfully dark emotions I'm experiencing. And the devil so easily succeeds in making it hard to see the purpose behind the emptiness, to have hope.

 

One of my new favorite songs has helped me unite myself to Mary in this.

 

It's helped me realize the beauty of woman flows from the empty womb... the potential it has to bring forth life. Purity of heart is only realized in emptying the heart of everything except God in order for it to be completely filled with Him. Trust in the will of the Lord only happens when we can empty our hands of our own will... to "let go" and wait with empty hands to receive the amazing life God wants to give us. The Lord is risen and the tomb is empty.

 

In her emptiness, Mary was able to bring forth the Son of God. In mine, I can hopefully receive the Spirit into the world.

 

Born in Me by Francesca Battistelli

 

I am not brave
I'll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy
I'm just a girl
Nothing more
But I am willing, I am Yours

Be born in me.

 

 

 

 I was also very inspired by these two beautiful women: Barbara Castro Garcia & Chiara Corbella. Last year, they both joyfully suffered and gave their lives for their children to be born.

Thought I'd share if you were at all interested.

 

pax

 

 

Humility

If any of you have ever prayed the Litany of Humility, you'll know what I mean when I say that praying for humility can be dangerous.

Last week was the feast of St. Joseph, husband of Mary. I was meditating on the humility it would take to be the head of the Holy Family... The imperfect father and imperfect husband to a sinless wife and a son who is God.

In his homily Pope Francis said,

"How does Joseph exercise his role as protector? Discreetly, humbly and silently, but with an unfailing presence and utter fidelity, even when he finds it hard to understand. ... In the Gospels, Saint Joseph appears as a strong and courageous man, a working man, yet in his heart we see great tenderness, which is not the virtue of the weak but rather a sign of strength of spirit and a capacity for concern, for compassion, for genuine openness to others, for love. We must not be afraid of goodness, of tenderness!"

So, guess who made the "mistake" of asking for St. Joseph's intercession while praying for humility?

This girl.

Guess who went skiing the next day and got an avulsion fracture in her right knee?

This girl.

ie I'm in a full leg brace/immobilizer and on crutches :)

ie I can't kneel. I can't do zumba or kickboxing or run. I can't do laundry on my own. I can't swing dance. I can't do my rugged maniac 5k. I can't carry anything that doesn't fit in my little backpack. I have trouble doing normal things like showering or getting into bed. I can't put my right shoe on by myself. etc...

I've already learned a lot, though. I've learned how to go up and down stairs on crutches. I've learned that laminate flooring gets slippery for crutches when it's wet. I've learned that I don't mind not doing any of those things previously mentioned as long as I have Jesus. I've learned that this is a good opportunity to suffer joyfully and be a witness to the joy that comes from Christ. I've learned that sometimes we don't get to choose when we will be weak and when we won't... and that we need to accept the generosity of others as much as we need to be generous. I've learned the true meaning of surrendering my will to that of the Father. I've learned that we don't always get to pick our way of holiness... God will decide what it will take to make us a saint. I've learned that I have some great friends and family who are much more selfless than I am and that Jesus will be enough for me if I let Him.

My Wheelbarrow

It's only in admitting how weak we are and embracing it that we can witness the true power of God. Without admitting our own shortcomings we cannot begin to understand the strength of God working in and through us. or even allow the strength of God to work in us.

Over Thanksgiving break I went to visit my relatives in California, and during Mass heard a homily that rocked me to the core. I don't remember it well enough to quote it, but I'll try to summarize.

There was once an acrobat named Blondin. He was born in France in 1824. He was very talented and at the age of 5 became known as the Boy Wonder. He grew and learned and eventually moved to the United States to work with a circus.

In 1859 he decided to walk across Niagara Falls on a tightrope. He became very famous for this and people began to flock to the site to watch him. He began by walking across, but soon increased the difficulty by running across. Next, he went blindfolded across. He crossed on 6 foot tall stilts and then on a bicycle. All of these he did for a constantly growing crowd of fans who loved him. 

Then, he brought out a wheelbarrow. He asked his adoring crowd, "Do you think I can do it?" And they all cheered and applauded - encouraging him on. He asked again, and their response grew louder. He asked once more, "Do you think I can do it?" The crowd was going wild in their affirmation that they indeed believed in him.

Then, his question became, "Do you want to join me?" The cheers started to die down in confusion. He rephrased his question and wondered who would like to get in the wheelbarrow and come with him across, since they all had no doubt he could do it. When noone spoke up, he continued saying that he wasn't going to cross with the wheelbarrow unless someone got in it. As they became aware that he was indeed going to wait, they all waited. Then, one by one they started to tire of waiting and left, until he was standing alone with his wheelbarrow.

They all believed he could do it, but wouldn't act on that belief. He wouldn't do it without them, and since not one would act on their belief in him, he was kept from doing the crazy act of wheeling someone across the rope. Yet they claimed they thought he could do it. But did they?

Do I?

I see this as a metaphor to getting to Heaven. I can't get there on my own - I can't actually walk on a rope across the Niagara Falls, but Jesus can. And He is offering me a way over. It's scary. It's risking something to get in the wheelbarrow; someone else has my life in their hands. Do I actually believe He can do it? And if I do, do I act on that belief and get in? Do I trust the cross of Christ? Do I trust Christ pushing my wheelbarrow? If not, he won't act without me...

But if I do, think of the experience He wants to give me! On my own, I would never see the falls from that perspective, feel the excitement as the water rushes past me, feel the spray upon my face, get to the other side! But with Him, I can. I can allow Him to bring me to Heaven, to experience the joy of that journey here on earth, to get to the other side of death with Him! I can allow the crowd around me the joy and excitement of watching Him push someone across the falls in His wheelbarrow.

Do I get in the wheelbarrow?

Bible Study and SNOW!!!!

One of my Bible studies has 6 senior girls this semester and meets Tuesday evening every week. We're going through the Gospel of Luke using the book Dawn of the Messiah by Dr. Sri from the Augustine Institute. Since it's on Tuesday, we had Bible study the night of Mardi Gras/Fat Tuesday. To celebrate we went to a little bar downtown called The Jager. It was so much fun! We were the only people there so early and they have a fireplace surrounded by couches. We got a drink and talked about life and decided to have Bible study there every week since it was a fun, quiet atmosphere. It's kind of odd to think we have Bible study at the bar, but it's been really great!

We had a really good discussion last week about the roles of men and women. Since Joseph is so quiet in the writings of the Gospels, and during the finding in the temple it seemed like Mary was the "dominant" parent, they wondered about what it was like to be Joseph. To be the head of the family where you are the only imperfect one and are supposed to lead them. We talked about the humility and charity it would take to be Mary, the things we appreciate in men, and how we can allow them/encourage them to "be men".

This past weekend Kelley, Tommy and I went skiing at Copper Mountain!! We stayed with a friend of Kelley's and her family; Chris and Erika and their almost year and a half old daughter Elanor. We got snowed in there with the blizzard Sunday! We stayed and went sledding and painted wine glasses and hung out in Vail Village at the Yeti Grind coffee shop. It was so fun to play in the snow again! Unlike popular belief, not everywhere in Colorado is snowy mountains. Greeley (where I live) is flat and usually brown and smells like cows. If we get some snow, we get about half an inch and it is melted by the next day. We got about half a foot this weekend! and it hasn't melted yet! In the moutains where we were staying there were shoveled sidewalks with two feet of snow on each side - reminded me of home and made me so happy!

On another note: I applied to be a team director for next year and have my interview Friday morning. If you could offer up a prayer for me, I would appreciate it!!!!

TwentyThirteen

I can't believe it's nearing the end of February and this is my first post of the new year! I have a lot to catch you up on...

1. New year's resolutions. I've never really been a goal oriented person, so I've never really loved making a forced resolution. However, I do like the idea of idea of it and usually do it anyway :) This year I decided that I want to work on gratitude. Being grateful for the gift my life is and the will of the Lord in my life. Near the end of her life, St. Therese of Lisieux said, "I do not desire to die more than to live. It is what He does that I love." My resolution is to be more aware of what He is doing everyday and being grateful for it, whatever it is - since He is doing it, and is doing it to bring me to Heaven. I bought a small journal that I am writing in each night before bed. Each night I write one thing that day that I was grateful for.

2. We got a new teammate! Steph is from South Dakota and studied something I can't remember the name of, but it means event planning. She is also into art and music. She is discerning a vocation to the religious life after FOCUS. Super bubbly and joyful! Love her :)

3. SEEK2013! We spent six days in the Florida sun in January with 40 students. The 30 hour bus rides there and back were actually fun! We got a lot of bonding time and made new friends! We had some members of the Community of the Beatitudes come on our bus with us - including two priests! This means we were able to have Mass on the bus while going down the highway. SO LEGIT! There were over 6000 college students there wanting to grow in their relationship with Jesus. We heard talks from so many different theologians and lay Catholics living out their faith in the secular world... on all sorts of things - from prayer to relativism, pro-life to environmentalism, womanhood to discerning the will of God in your life. We had daily Mass and one night there was adoration, during which over 4000 people received the sacrament of reconciliation! wow. Grace everywhere. We had other fun, too! Between disneyworld, concerts, friends, watching the Bison football team win the championship, a 20s themed swing dance, and a great pool we found things to do :)

4. I bought a pass at the student rec center. As great as insanity is, sometimes I get bored with it. Not for lack of it being difficult, just repetitive. I've joined a Zumba and a kickboxing class!! I'm making some new friends, too! Yay for relational evangelization! I'm all signed up for the Rugged Maniac race on May 11th! Kelley is doing it with me :) She couldn't talk me into running a half marathon with her the week before, though. ugh.

5. For Valentine's Day we hosted a free swing dance at the university. L'Angelus, a Catholic Cajun band, played live music for us :) They are from Nashville and are the four oldest siblings in their family. They stayed at our house and we got to know them a little! So fun!!

6. Lent is here!! I've been super convicted this year about sacrifice. Two years ago my good friend at the Bad Catholic blog put it this way:

So, now comes the time when everyone tells you, “Lent isn’t just about giving things up, it’s about taking things on. Think about what you can do, not what you can remove from your life.” Which is all fine and dandy, to be sure, but also stupid. Mortification is important. Mortification is what’s necessary. I want a bumper sticker that says “Put the pain back in Lent!” or “Self-denial is the reason for the season!” Just because it would shake things up. The world can understand us ‘getting more into’ our religion – they may even encourage us, give us a cookie. But what stands in contradiction to the world – and especially to the American world – is the Christian not eating. The Christian not drinking, not because drinking is bad, but because it is good. The Christian in pain.

What will convince the world, and – infinitely more importantly – what will convince us of the validity of our faith and all the truth she professes is not comfort, not the statement that “this will make me happy”, but the witness of those being happy when they have nothing but their faith. The rich, old, country club preacher saying grace is not much to rally around. But what hope there is in finding out that there is tremendous grace after a day without eating! What affirmation it is to learn that no, we do not believe because we are comfortable, we believe because it is true! To have the grace to praise God in our suffering!

Amen. What a witness it is to the truth of our faith if we can rejoice in our suffering! How countercultural!

I've also been reading another book by Francine Rivers called A Voice in the Wind. It is about a woman who becomes a slave to a rich, selfish girl. She says something along the lines of "We were created to serve. We all serve something or someone, but we get to choose what or who that is." Do I serve Christ by serving the least of these? by serving His body here on Earth? Do I anticipate the needs of those God has placed in my life and show them mercy? Do I do it joyfully, as an unprofitable servant?

This is what I feel Jesus is trying to teach me this lenten season... that His heart is one of mercy and service and I was created to reveal His heart to the world.

Airport

Hello!!!

Just sitting here at the airport in Grand Forks. There are about 20 people at the gate and I'm sitting next to the window - staring out at the flat, white tundra. I already miss my kitty, the perpetual snow, and the bone-chilling cold. As strange as it sounds, the cold and the openness feel like home.

It was so good to see so many familiar faces at home, but there is no time to be sad -- In 40 hours I get on a bus from Greeley to ORLANDO!! I'm so excited for SEEK2013!!!!! Please throw up a prayer for all of the students coming. (and my team as this is a crazy time for us!)

Thanks! Can't wait to update you about the conference!!

Happy (almost) New Year!

Highlights of Home

I have been blessed to be back in North Dakota for a week and a half now.

It all started the evening of Friday the 14th. Kel and Tommy dropped me off at the airport. I walked in, checked a bag, and headed for security. No lines! The place was almost empty. Buzzed through security and got to my gate... Had an extra hour to read my book - Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, a story set in 1850 CA gold rush that is based on the biblical character of Hosea. I finished it about half way through the flight home and then turned my reading light off, lay my head back, and glanced out the window. In the dark night above all of the clouds I had a front row seat to the METEOR SHOWER going on!

I LOVE this state and it was so refreshing to be back!!! Here are a few things I didn't realize I missed until I got to re-experience them the past two weeks:

Inch thick frost on the trees (see pic below!)
Roads that are snowpacked
The "chance of snow" telling you how much snow we'll get instead of if we'll get any maybe
Snow in general
Food made with flour, eggs, and butter :)
Movies with my mama - Les Miserables was AWESOME.
Photobooth - with the number of people we had, we did it chinese firedrill style (pics below!)
Baking and shopping with my sister
Visiting Melissa Pung at the Bethlehem Community in Bathgate (pic below!)
Plays/Musicals at New Rockford
Late night Christmas Board Games
Early Morning Christmas card games (Hand and Foot, Nertz, Speed, Tripoly, etc)
The familiarity of a small town
Caroling at the nursing homes
Seeing my Newman people :)
Catching up with my friends from High School!!!!!
Seeing all my cousins - I didn't realize how much I missed all my friends and family - or how awesome they are :) I really, really love them all and don't appreciate them nearly enough.

All in all, it has been a joy and blessing to be back here! I'm almost rejuvinated and ready to head back to Colorado.

Bacon-wrapped water chestnuts!

The Melissa Anns!