How I've been forever changed...

Sometimes there are moments in your life where you suddenly realize you are different than you used to be. That something has happened and it isn't possible to be the way you were before - the same way it's impossible to "un-know" something you've learned. It reminds me of that song from Wicked: Changed for Good... but anyway, the purpose of this post is to explain how being a missionary with FOCUS for the last 3 years was just that -- one of those things that changed me "for good".

I started to realize this when I decided to leave FOCUS and the questions started coming. 

"What are you going to do now?" 

"What are you going to miss the most?"

"What are you most excited for about leaving?"

To begin with the first question, there is a little background information you need to know. Three and a half years ago, I was a senior in college. I was in the middle of my senior design for chemical engineering. I had met a FOCUS missionary and was growing in my newly rekindled faith - now actually leading a Bible study of my own! I finally understood what it meant to make my relationship with Jesus a priority and to live an ordered life. Sometimes while my classmates were pulling an all-nighter to study for a test the next day, I would take a break and go to daily Mass or pray a holy hour and have dinner with my roommates - AND, gasp, even sometimes go to bed before midnight. It may not seem crazy now, but in the midst of the senior design and amid the remarks of my classmates, it took a lot to stand my ground. 

This is when I began "job hunting". This is also when I learned the difference between the world's version of success and God's - what it means to be called to something that doesn't look like it makes any sense from the outside. I was met with a lot of skepticism when I applied for FOCUS - and most of it was very logical. Wouldn't it be hard to take 3 years "off" after school before entering a career in my field? How would I find a job afterward without any experience?  Was I really going to give up a starting salary of about $65,000 to fundraise? God wants holy people in the real world, too. et cetera. 

But ultimately the road to Heaven is one of self-forgetfulness and humility. It didn't matter what I wanted, what I felt was safe, or even what I felt was radical or would get me to Heaven. It mattered that, for whatever reason, God was specifically asking ME to be a MISSIONARY. I had to learn to have faith in His plan for making me a saint - even if I had no way to explain it to people. (or to myself)

So, what am I going to do now? Most people expect that I'll look for a job in the ChE field. Surprisingly, I feel more prepared now for a secular career after being in FOCUS. I've had experience working on a team, coordinating projects, making decisions and living with the consequences, doing paperwork and documentation, and creatively making the most of the resources you have. I've had experience leading a team, running meetings, making goals, making a budget, delegating, resolving conflict, putting on workshops, interviewing and hiring people, evaluating people, working with people! I received more professional development than I ever had in school (and from people like Joe Hensler, who worked at Procter and Gamble for 19 years - he actually led their Global Learning and Development Group and led the development of P&G’s training program to support the company's $54 billion merger with the Gillette Company.) I have failed, I have been rejected, and I've experienced the reward of achieving your goals when it was a huge risk to try - all within an organization that gave me the support I needed to learn how to have confidence and humility in it all.

I have no doubt I could market these skills in the engineering world, (It's also very impressive to employers when they see you did missionary work.) BUT I've decided to be a wife and (eventually/hopefully) mother. As it turns out, this is just as foreign and difficult to explain to people as becoming a missionary was - that is a thought for another post, though.

What am I going to miss most? ALL the things. I'm going to miss my teammates. We worked, lived, and played together. We struggled together and called each other to virtue. We shared our prayer lives and prayed with and for each other. I'm going to miss the students. I was blessed to work with a lot of the same girls for three years. We know a lot about each other and have gone through a lot together. We are friends. I am going to miss having prayer and Mass scheduled into my day. I am going to miss the learning and the accountability that are built into my job and friendships. I'm going to miss writing newsletters to my mission partners.

What am I most excited for? This is how I know I've been forever changed. The thing I'm most excited for is to keep living lifelong Catholic mission even when it's no longer my job. I'm excited to put into practice what I've been teaching others to go out into the world and do - without the comfort of my FOCUS bubble. 

After 3 years of being "on mission", I realize the mission is actually still just beginning. It was a time of learning, a time of practice, a time of being supported and forming habits. You see - I think before FOCUS I would have been a good Catholic, but I wouldn't have been a "dynamic Catholic", to steal the term from Matthew Kelly. I would have been a disciple, but not necessarily made disciples of all nations. 

Now, I see everything through the perspective of becoming a saint. I can no longer imagine going a day without prayer. I am no longer afraid of being asked questions about my faith, but excited to share. I am no longer afraid of being rejected or misunderstood because of what I believe, but have courage to face it or explain it. I know the generosity of love costs something and I have been given the grace to pay that price. I have witnessed miracles and had a front row seat to God working in people's hearts. I am no longer satisfied with mediocrity. I know it's my responsibility to seek truth. I know the difference I can and am called to make in the lives of those God places in my sphere of influence. I know the gratitude of those affected when I actually listen for and act upon the voice of the Spirit. I know the love and mercy within the church - that which isn't always as obvious as it should be because of our fallen humanity. I know how to accept their pain and apologize to those who have been hurt or are still hurting because we, Christ's body, don't always act as He would have. 

I am forever changed because I am now aware of the thirsting of this world for love, for God - and I am now aware that I can give love, give Jesus, to the world.